It’s been a long time. I’ve been growing and learning and changing. I pretty much burned my whole world down around my ears and now I’m rebuilding from the ashes. Kinda like a phoenix though I expect not as graceful.
I ended a relationship and quit a job in a week. By that I mean I walked out of both. Then somehow I managed to find a new job and a beautiful new house that’s within blocks of my sister. And on top of that I left all my furniture with my old life so I get to redecorate the new. It sounds like an exciting prospect and it is, but it’s also an expensive one.
Yes, walking out of one life into a new one sounded like such a romantic idea to me. I’d fantasize about it while I was filing at work or doing laundry or cooking. What would happen if I just lit the match and started over? I pictured myself walking away my hair styled perfectly, a beautiful gown blowing around my legs as the wreck my life had become burned in the background.
It does kind of feel that way in the beginning. After a few days the fear slips in because what the hell did you just do? And what are you going to do next? You’re homeless, jobless, and have no idea what tomorrow looks like or the day after that. And oh my goodness you’re all alone again.
I’ve never been much of a planner. I like to plan when it’s something that I enjoy doing or I’m looking forward to. But for the most part, I don’t plan. I dream. That’s why I hate that old interview question, “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?” I sit there blinking at my interviewer, trying to come up with a made up plan quickly. My answer is always filled with a lot of doubt and a lot of what they really want to hear: “I see myself here, moving up through the company.” The real answer is I have no idea I just hope to God I’m not still working this crappy job.
But, if I were honest in my job interviews, I’d never find one. That sounds terrible. Please don’t judge me.
I’ve learned a lot about myself in this last month or so. I’ve changed a lot. I thought I would go back to being the old me but that person was engulfed in the flames. What rose from the ashes is a new person. A person that’s terrified and yet is less willing than ever to take crap from other people. A person that’s learned a lot about writing and life. A person that feels hope for the first time in years.
I won’t go so far as to say I’m an expert but I think I’m finally beginning to see the big picture clearly. I’ve got some new ideas I’m working on which I’ll share with you as I get further into the development stage.
Right now I mostly want to share my thoughts with you and lessons I’ve learned. I need simplicity in my life more than ever and that includes this blog. No tricks or gimmicks. Just honesty. Honesty is more important than you can imagine, especially with yourself.
I know, I know, I just told you I fudge the truth a bit in job interviews. But that’s a horse of a different color. And, let’s be honest, no one wants to hire a person that flat out admits they want nothing to do with people, they don’t work well with others, and please oh please could I have a dark office no one ever visits? Oh wait, that’s why I like writing. Unfortunately I’m not making money doing that. I do it for love which, I suppose, is more beneficial in the end.
Anyway, I just wanted to say hello again and apologize for my extended absence. I’m trying to get back on my feet so I can’t guarantee any sort of regularity with confidence at the moment. But I am going to try. I hope you’ll stick with me but, if you don’t, I understand that too. No hard feelings.